You are an unfinished poem
Half-formed ideas and
phrases
sentences that couldn’t make it
past the page
We were almost there but you
couldn’t help me find the words
You are my writer’s block
a love poem written while half
asleep
whose metaphors die with dawn
I awake to a page of scrawls
finger smudges in my half-baked mess
The seeds of an epic narrative,
maybe
But for now, nothing more than
symbols, lines
an unfinished clause
A sonnet that ended before its final rhyme
A sonnet that ended before its final rhyme
This poem is very true to many different aspects in life. It can pertain to anything that one would think is coming but fails to prevail. I really enjoyed reading this poem. However, I would take out the "We" in this poem. I feel that its more of a "You" and/or "I" type of poem. Otherwise, great job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading the poem. Its a little confusing because it seems that its about a breakup that was inevitable because he moved away but then it kind of turned into a breakup that happened as a result of just kind of fizzling out. I think your poetic language is really strong and the metaphors are great. Is there a reason you switch tenses throughout instead of staying consistently present or past?
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the poem. I have to agree with those who commented before me that the tone is a little bit confusing because initially it seems that the break up was due to the boy moving away but in the end seems like it just "fizzled out". Besides for that I honestly loved it. There were a couple lines that I thought were really genius such as a "sonnet that ended before its final rhyme" and "we were almost there but you couldn't help me find the words". Overall a really great job!
ReplyDeletei really love this poem. I'm also a bit confused by the changes in the tense but besides for that, you did an amazing job.
ReplyDeleteOh man. Snaps. I really love this poem, I love how you compared the end of a relationship before you even decided how you felt to writing a poem and never finishing it. Very apt and skillfully done. I would suggest changing the second line to "you are a poem" instead of "you were". Also, the line "We were almost there but you" seems a bit awkward-- maybe its too abstract for how clear the rest of the poem is? Other than that, I am obsessed with this-- thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThis is a sensitive and tender little poem with a number of effective lines. I really like "whose tropes and metaphors die with dawn" but I would simplify it to "Whose metaphors die with dawn."
ReplyDeleteI would simplify and edit other lines too. For example, your opening line: "You are a poem that I never finished" could be "You are an unfinished poem"
The last line is currently "A sonnet that ended before its final rhyme"
But maybe it would be better as "A sonnet that closed before its couplet"
This line confused me: "finger smudges in my Times New Roman mess"
I was confused because Times New Roman is a font, but finger smudges don't usually come form printed text, they come from people using pens when the ink isn't dry yet.
Anyway, I do like the tone of the poem. The emotion seems honest, and the effect feels real.
I love how you use writing form- sonnets, sentences, clauses, punctuation- to convey finality, and how their lack conveys something unfinished. I love the idea of a past "almost love affair" being viewed as "unfinished", more than a regret, more than a thing of the past. Your almost-love for him is likened to the almost-poem you wrote, and bother smudged and imperfect and unfinished and so, so real. really beautiful work.
ReplyDelete