First it was you
clubbing the open air with your fists
clubbing the open air with your fists
challenging the earth
of our tiny backyard lawn
of our tiny backyard lawn
to fight back like a man
Behind our screen door
I saw you kick your limbs
in figure-eights and karate chops
crow like Peter Pan
to no one in particular until
I dragged you, lovingly
back to me
1,895 dinners later
after karate lessons, piano recitals
broken ankles and hearts
your grip on our browning lawn
gradually lessened to
a playful squeeze and then
a tender caress until
it was you
slamming the door as
you ran to his car
A sequined purse, rosy cheeks
slender limbs that hadn’t
punched in years
Through the screen I saw
your small hand in his
as the car started with
a sputter and a hum
and you moved
slowly and certainly
away from me
This is another tightly realized and descriptive poem that succeeds in drawing me into its drama. It is a modest poem in scope, which is an asset in this poem, because it feels so natural within the scope of its intentions.
ReplyDeleteThe first stanza succeeds in presenting a loving image of a child engaged in play--but not just any kind of play. It is a child play-fighting and "challenging the earth." This is a memorable phrase, and I expected it to be developed in the poem.
The second stanza completes the promise of the poem's title and shows the child going off on a first date and symbolically leaving home.
My suggestion for this poem is simple: I think it needs a third stanza, and I think it would be aesthetically pleasing if you somehow bring back the idea of play-fighting against the earth, connecting it to the first date. If you could write a third stanza that meaningfully unites the image in the first stanza with that in the second, the poem will feel more holistic, symmetrical, and developed.
I like where this is going!
I really appreciate the way you play on expectations in your poems, laying out emotions and scenes we have associations with and concisely and effectively twisting their effect. I think this is achieved in this poem as well, the title laying out for us, "Daughter's First Date." That's it. Cue sappy motherly reflections. But the opening of "First it was you" which is mirrored in the second stanza with "Then it was you," create this accusatory tone, which is surprising and much more intriguing.
ReplyDeleteOne way the poem shows the drasticness of the change in the child is through the contrast it creates with more masculine descriptions in the first stanza and feminine in the second. The "pushing...with your fists" and "challenging the earth" and "to fight back like a man" (isolating that "a man" in its own line) and "kick your limbs" and "karate chops" and "Peter Pan" all give the impression of that we're talking about a boy. That really works because I was picturing this kid who's really just a kid -- unisex, genderless in a way. Just playing.
In the second stanza, "a sequined purse," "rosy cheeks" "slender limbs that hadn't punched in years," "your small hand" -- even "a sputter and a hum" evoke images of more feminine associations. Much less forceful: we've transitioned into something mellow, prim and proper, which is jarring in its own right.
Probably just because of my reading it like this I did find the description of her moving "slowly...away from me" to be the wrong word: it seemed pretty sharp and jarring, more so than slow and gradual.
I do like the shortness and conciseness of the poem, but I agree with Professor Miller that it might feel a bit more complete with another stanza.
This is a poignant, heartfelt poem about a parent lamenting over their daughter growing up and growing apart from them through the symbol of the daughter's first date.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'm wondering if the parent is a mother or father? I feel like some gender-clarifying symbols or words should be inserted just so we get a clearer picture and understanding of the parent/ narrator.
I agree with Professor Miller about the third stanza. For some reason, I'm picturing an image of the parent laying the daughter down in the earth, further away from her, returning the daughter to play eternally with the earth. I feel it would deliver an emotional punch and complete the idea of the daughter growing apart from the parent. But, then you'd have to change the title....But that might be too morbid or too sombre for what you have in mind. I'm really looking forwards to seeing what you come up with!
I liked the emphasis on the hands and limbs as demonstrations of the daughter's growth development; she transitions from the punching motions of a child to the romantic hand-holding motions of a teenager; she transitions from kicking her limbs to having the slender limbs of a teenager.
I also noticed how she punched like a man as a child, and then willingly slipped her hand into the hand of a man as a teenager - I'm wondering if there's some educational/ developmental meaning behind this connection, like how she learned to transition from fighting as a man to loving a man...
I also like the anaphora - "First/ Then, it was you."
In summary, there is a lot of well-crafted mirroring between the two paragraphs - well done!
"I dragged you, lovingly" - If the parent did this action lovingly, then I think that "dragged" is too much of a negative connotation. Perhaps replace with a word that has a more positive connotation?
"crow like Peter Pan " - very specific, and demonstrative - I can see the image in my head. Also, "A sequined purse, rosy cheeks." - well-chosen objects, images. "
"your small hand in his as" - I think "as" should go on the next line, it's a little abrupt, awkward; also "with" in "the car started with." I also thought "engine" might bring a more descriptive image to mind than "car."
Well done. I'm impressed.
*refrain, not anaphora.
DeleteFirstly- I like how you titled the poem- very clean and concise as I know that is something you do and I appreciate it.
ReplyDelete"challenging the earth of our
tiny backyard lawn"
"I saw you kick your limbs
in figure-eights and karate chops" - These few lines are very descriptive and thought provoking. It took me a few seconds to register what the child was doing, but then you mentioned "karate chops." I like the word "limbs" instead of "legs."
If I hadn't seen the title- I would not know you are talking about a girl until the second stanza... Maybe throw in a female reference in the beginning..
The second stanza, we see that it is indeed a female so I think the words "slamming the door" might be a little too harsh.. especially if she is on her first date.
"sequined purse, rosy cheeks"- absolutely love this line- very appropriate and thought out .
"your small hand in his as" - I think "as" should be on the next line because it was a little confusing.
I like how the poem ends - - on contrast with how the mother was pulling her child back to her in the beginning.
Well done!!
Favorite line here is definitely "1895 dinners later" - I love the progression from child to teenager and the abrupt shift between them. It communicated what the parent (I thought father, idk why) must feel at the daughter going away.
ReplyDeleteWe already discussed this poem in class, but I wanted to add a few thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThis poem has imagery that is strong as well as clear and really communicates the emotions of the parent (I also pictured it as a father) watching the daughter change and grow up as well as apart. The mix of pride, nostalgia, and a sense of loss create a tone which is compellingly bittersweet.
I love this.
ReplyDelete