The first thing I notice
is his new white shirt
which isn’t strange, until I see
that tear, 7 inches of total despair
zigzagging from his collar crease
to his second-to last button
It’s weird to be here
at my best friend’s mother’s funeral
I can hardly see him
through the throngs of praying men
and women who must mean well
and women who must mean well
I am just another Mourner of Zion
willing the good words to
finish my heavy lifting
and wander, in quorum, to him
I never liked the prayers of death
but today my friend says them well
How easy is it to learn
the right way to suffer
how easy it is to forget their genesis
Maybe I’m wrong
but if it were up to me
I’d take him home now and
let him sleep
we’d play Call of Duty
maybe
if he was in the mood
It isn’t up to me
so instead I thank God
for the words and the books
that tell us how to heal
in some other language
that I don’t fully understand
I guess I don't really need to
Because I do understand videogames
And I'll be here when he's ready
I guess I don't really need to
Because I do understand videogames
And I'll be here when he's ready
Wow. This is really beautiful. The way that you set up the ending, even from the second stanza is brilliant. Describing how this best friend felt, in terms of wanting to help his/her best friend to cope was so nicely done, because it is the struggle of wanting to help in physical, human ways.
ReplyDeleteSome of my favorite stanzas were,
"Maybe I’m wrong
but if it were up to me
I’d take him home now and
let him sleep
we’d play Call of Duty
maybe
if he was in the mood"
Such a great way to describe what you think will truly relieve his grief. After all, you know him. But there is a higher power here, one that is supposed to be the "right way" to grieve. Another line I loved was,
"so instead I thank God
for those words and the books
that tell us how to heal"
There are certain things that you cannot offer him, but you know that G-d can.
I thought this was really well done, and the last line was killer. I could see the struggle between wanting to help someone through the things they love, but understanding that we were given a guidebook on how to grieve. Really great job.
Okay, the imagery here is off the charts good. I love the line "7 inches of total despair"; it lets me see the tear in the shirt as a tear in persona too, letting you in to see a world of inner grief. The passage
ReplyDelete"I am just another Mourner of Zion
willing the good words to
finish my heavy lifting
and wander, in quorum, to him"
really strikes me, using phrases from Menachem avel to portray and relate the anonymity and ambiguity of the mourning process, all the people shuffling in and shuffling out of a tattered life, barely recognized faces. I love the way you're pleasing with your own prayer to comfort him.
The appeal to Call of Duty is so strikingly personal, and really highlights your connection with him- I wanted more of that rawness in the last line than I felt, saying "far more than video games' was more 'tell' than the rest of this incredible poem. Maybe get specific about something in the prayer and something in the video game?
That aside tho, gorgeous and touching work. Loved it.
this poem is so beautiful and you capture the emotions beautifully. i love how you contrast between religious mourning to being a normal teen who just wants to comfort their friend. i think the word maybe in the second to last stanza is unnecessary. i think saying "if he was in the mood" portrays the "maybe" well enough and the fact that it has its own line pulls me out of the poem.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is so touching and you capture every moment so accurately that I actually felt as though I was present myself. I thought one of the best lines of the poem was "I am just another Mourner of Zion
ReplyDeletewilling the good words to
finish my heavy lifting
and wander, in quorum, to him"
t really stood out to me, I admired the language used and how real this line made the situation described here. It took me a minute to understand "how easy it is to forget their genesis" but once I did I was really wowed by how perfect of a word choice,and rhyme "genesis" was. Amongst all the intricate lines, there are simpler lines that still stand out in their own way, are delicate, and make the reader know how personal the situation is. For example,
"but if it were up to me
I’d take him home now and
let him sleep
we’d play Call of Duty
maybe
if he was in the mood"
though these lines were much simpler, they worked. Specifically the line where you mentioned Call of Duty stood out to me as it made the reader feel how close these best friends truly are. You did a great job of show don't tell and ultimately this is just an incredible poem. Good job!!